Courtship vs Dating

The term courtship may sound as old-fashioned as bustles and buggy-driving. It may call to mind a famous song about a certain Froggy and what he went a-doin’. But actually, the concept of courtship is experiencing a revival, with good reasons.

Reframing dating in terms of courtship can help parents set healthy boundaries on teen dating. Shifting from a “dating” to a “courtship” mindset can help single adults achieve greater happiness, too.

What’s the difference between dating and courtship?

Think of dating as a casual recreational activity focused on the present. It was invented in the 1950s and was enabled by the rise of the automobile. A guy and a gal go off to do something alone, all by themselves. Their date is usually something focused on some sort of consumer pleasure — dinner, a movie or show, or attending a party together.

And, speaking of pleasure, sexual pleasure is usually an assumed part of a dating relationship at some point — after whatever number of dates current convention has arbitrarily declared to be OK. (We know, of course, from our Catholic faith, that it’s not actually OK to sleep with someone you’re dating … unless you’re married to them! This brings up the topic of “married dating,” a commendable activity to be discussed in a future article.)

Think of courtship as a part of the discernment process for marriage. It is focused on the future. Rather than going off alone together as a twosome, the courting couple spends their time together in community, hanging out with each other’s families or large groups of friends. They develop the relationship not just for the present fun of the attraction, but to answer the question of whether or not this is their future husband or wife, the father or mother of their future children.

And courtship involves chastity — respecting and honoring the proper end of sexual activity, which God created for the linked purposes of bonding and babies between husband and wife.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church speaks approvingly of courtship, quoting the Vatican II document Gaudium et Spes: “It is imperative to give suitable and timely instruction to young people, above all in the heart of their own families, about the dignity of married love, its role and its exercise, so that, having learned the value of chastity, they will be able at a suitable age to engage in honorable courtship and enter upon a marriage of their own.” (CCC 1632)

I know, I know. I can see the eyes rolling. I hear the exasperated sighs. “But, Mom, EVERYONE is doing it!” Or even, “But, Holy Mother Church, WHEN will you get with the times?” Moms and dads, know this: The fewer romantic partners, sexual partners, or cohabiting partners your children have before marriage, the higher the likelihood that they will enjoy a happy marriage, according to a 2014 study by the National Marriage Project.

Several studies, in fact, show that the longer young men and women wait to have sex, the happier their later marriage — one example is Paige Harden’s 2012 study published in Psychological Science. Fewer experiences of making out, hooking up and breaking up actually correlates with more satisfying, enduring marriages with fewer problems. God’s plan for us, spelled out in the commandments and teachings of the church, are actually for our own good!

If you judge that your child is not at a “suitable age” for courtship, stick to your guns! Delaying dating in the teen years is a good way parents can help form the virtue of chastity. Talking with your teens about God’s plan for marriage, and helping them think about what good qualities to look for in a future husband or wife, can help them enter adulthood with the marriage-discerning mindset of courtship.

Northwest Catholic – May 2016

http://www.nwcatholic.org/living/marriage-parenting/courtship-vs-dating